Monday, September 29, 2008

Asexuality is the new black

In the Philippines, the word bisexual has become a misnomer, commonly referring to gay men who are in the closet regardless of behavior. I think it's really stupid and what's worse, because of its proliferation, the true meaning of bisexuality has been buried beneath identical fashion choices and thick layers of makeup.

I always thought I was gay. I haven't had a girlfriend in years and I thought I would never have one again. I'm not trying to say that I'm going to have one but maybe I would. I think now is the time for me to reveal this little secret. I still get crushes on girls.

Of course I've known this all my life. It suddenly swam back to my consciousness last Thursday when Daday, the helper of the Koreans who live across the street told me that one of the Koreans has a huge crush on me. I usually don't mind when girls like me, thinking it would eventually wear off in the long run. However, on my way to school that day, I was entertaining the notion of having a girlfriend.

The term bisexuality has become so misused that I don't want to associate myself with it. Instead of calling myself bisexual and having both masculine and feminine genders, I would call myself asexual. I like boys. I like girls. Sometimes I like one over the other. Sometimes I like both at the same time. Sometimes I don't like either. The politically correct term would be bisexual leaning on homosexual, but what the hey. When have I been politically correct?

Armed with this idea, I was at Emba last Friday with Kathy and the Fashion Flock. Kathy and I were with bff Arvin last Wednesday to interview him for our thesis on eating disorders and who better to interview than my anorexic bff? After the interview, we agreed to go to Emba on Friday. There was actually a mishap that happened when bff Arvin forgot to put Kathy and me on the VIP list but we just paid the door charge and got in. After getting drunk on vodka tonics and Cuba Libres, I thought that I would be intoxicated enough to try my little social experiment. Unfortunately, I ogled more at the guys than the girls. So much for my supposed asexuality.

On my way home this evening after an exhausting day in Mall of Asia filming a project for Social Psychology, I realized that heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, and in my case asexuality is one and the same. We like boys, girls, both, and neither. The point is, we like people. I believe in destiny, but I also believe that we make our own destiny. I don't think that our soulmate is pre-ordained and will be brought to us at the right place at the right time. And it doesn't necessarily have to follow the standards we've set. As I've said in my previous entry, we choose our soulmates and work for it and fight for it until you are each other's destinies; regardless of looks, intelligence and ultimately, gender. And that makes us all bisexual. Or in my vocabulary, asexual.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I kissed a girl and I liked it.

After the success of my first week dieting, I am disappointed to say that I didn't do well this week. I only lost 3 lbs., which isn't even half of what I lost last time. I've been drinking a lot so I had to eat to avoid having a gaping hole in my stomach. It was the CAS Week and being an officer, I was busy preparing for the activities for Psych. Day. It was indeed very stressful, so Kathy and I went drinking last Friday to blow off some steam. We went to Central where we were later joined by Jane and newfound drinking buddies from school. Booze was flying everywhere and we both got rat faced on pitchers of Bad Boy and buckets of beer. At the end of the night, I went to Ascend with Kathy, Jane and Lloyd [who we met that night through Teng] where we went dancing and had more drinks.

I didn't drink the following day, but I went to school because of the mass induction. I wanted to skip this and go drinking [Lloyd was asking us to go out], but my waning sense of ethics decided to go overdrive that night and I found myself swearing that I would use my secretarial power to the benefit of the Psych. community. Right. We were supposed to have drinks after at Waki's, but since my induction ran late, we cancelled.

Hanging out with the boys at Central got us invites to Island Cove because Joey's family owns the resort. We were there Wednesday and drank [at 11 in the morning!] before going swimming and having a big lunch by the sea. The night before, Kathy came over and we watched Sex and the City: The Movie while having gin-based drinks.

Friday, I went drinking again with the boys from my class. We're well acquainted, but not good friends because I only met them last semester. During my first semester in Perpetual, most of my classmates were Mass Communication majors so I ended up being friends with them. Until now, I am mistaken to be a Mass Comm. student because of my friends and my lively personality. It was a good idea that the boys invited us so we could bond. After all, we're going to be together until we graduate, so we might as well make the most out of it. We stayed over at Stick's, a former Psych. student who shifted to Nursing. When the drinks ran out and our buzz started to subside, we started playing games to keep ourselves busy. We played suck-and-blow and boy was it a riot. Kalei and I ended up kissing a couple of times and I kissed some boys too. I'm not going to name names, but let's just say I was a happy camper.

The following day, I was to meet Ysa for Psynapse, the annual acquaintance party for UST-Psychology. Eunice was supposed to come too, but she had plans so it was just the two of us. We met in Trinoma and hung out at Starbucks before going to Metrobar. It was pretty awkward because it was Reniel who invited me and bought me my ticket. He introduced me to his friends which was an experience I would never want to repeat because they knew who I was and they all had that knowing and accusing look. I even noticed some of them spying on us and eavesdropping while we talked. That night was sort of my homecoming because I saw my old friends from UST. I'm not going to say I'm popular or I have many friends, but I enrolled in a lot of classes so I pretty much knew most of the people in the Psych. community. Ysa and I had dinner, but since the free drink was a tiny plastic cup of iced tea, I ordered a Mai Tai. We left around 12 and went over a friend's house to have a couple of drinks, but we left after an hour or so to have coffee at Starbucks and bond.

So I didn't lose as much as I did last week, but I don't care. The feeling in knowing that I lost 10 lbs. is enough to make me feel good about myself. I'm still not skinny like Posh, but I am happy in the knowledge that I have friends I could count on no matter what. Through thick or thin, bad hair days and bad fashion choices, we would be great friends. No frills, no pretensions, no concealers. While watching Sex and The City: The Movie, I realized that friends are all you need in this world. With friends like Ysa, bff Arvin, and Kathy, I don't need guys. The series is right. Trends, as well as boyfriends, come and go, but friendship will never go out of style.

A toast then. To having no boyfriends but great girlfriends. Cheers!

Monday, September 15, 2008

If you love me, don't feed me.

Okay, so it's been a while since I last wrote about the sordid details of my pseudofabulous life, and even then, it was at best shitty because all I could talk about was A. Now that I have my closure [not without a fight], I am now ready to move on. I'm still alone, but what the hey. I'd rather be alone than be with an immature prick who can't even fight for what he wants. This is actually the first time I've thought of him ever since he gave me my closure, and this is because I've been preoccupied with something else. My weight.

I used to weigh a whopping 180 lbs. when I was a kid. I became conscious of my weight when I was in high school and I started to take an interest in high fashion. Wanting to be like Gisele Bundchen and Lily Cole sans vagina, I made mad attempts to lose the weight. I didn't do it the safe way, but I didn't care. I believe the end justified the means so I had no qualms against starving myself to fit into a double zero. I memorized the calorie content of the food I ate, and there were even times when I didn't eat at all. It even came to a point that I rationed the water that I drank and I collapsed. I guess you could call me an anorexic, but if that was the price of looking good, I was up for it.

The easiest way that I lost weight was when I had my braces. Before having my braces attached, the dentist advised me to have my molars removed. I had stitches in my mouth for a month and I couldn't eat anything but soup. I was ecstatic because this would mean another way to lose weight. I dropped to 140, which is skinny for my height of 5'11''. Eventually, I had my braces and though I struggled for a while, I learned to eat with having a construction site in my mouth. Slowly, I gained the weight that I lost.

I've tried it all. I starved myself, I went on different diets, I exercised, I went to the gym, I tried diet pills, and I even bought a sauna belt. I've never been satisfied with my weight. I guess I was living up to the anorexia's code of honor: I will never be skinny enough. I'm always on some crazy diet, but I could not stick to it like I did when I was in high school. I always give in when I see food. I like to eat. I love to eat.

Now it's different. I can commit to my diet. I'm still not doing it the safe way, but it's not as risky. I eat, but barely. My daily diet would be whatever is prepared for lunch [without rice], and a pack of crackers or biscuits that I would ration until the end of the day. At night, I would drink a bottle of Nature's Harvest FAB, which tastes really good and has L-Carnitine, fiber, and Vitamin C. I do sit ups and push ups to keep my body toned. Next week, I'm planning to add jogging to my routine.

Some of you may think that my diet is radical. It may be, but I don't want to waste time. I try to push in different kinds of diets to quicken my weight loss. This week alone, I lost 7 lbs. and I'm happy. I realized that eating makes me happy, but it is a temporary high that goes away as soon as I finish. Seeing myself skinny, bones jutting out everywhere and muscles ripping through my skin is a high that food can't compete with.

It's funny how it's the plus-sized people who love to bash skinny folk but whine when they are being judged. People have their own perception of beauty and I think we should respect that. I don't have an eating disorder or a distorted view of my body. I just have my own perception. For me, beauty is stick-thin, and I want to be that. If you love me, don't feed me.
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