Monday, August 20, 2007

Ako Si Wonder Woman

While the trio of typhoons have been beneficial to me by suspending a week's worth of classes, it did have its cons like dampering on my weekend plans. So instead of having lunch with Arvin and then a movie, and attending a restaurant opening, I found myself walking aimlessly around Alabang on a Saturday night. Well, I did buy an Oleg Cassini dress shirt so it wasn't really THAT aimless.

On my way home, I was listening to the radio. Being a Saturday night, most stations played dance music, and lo and behold, what else could be playing but Deepest Blue. Deepest Blue is a song I've been enjoying for many years but listening to it last night, all the painful memories of Quincy came back. Months ago, I dedicated that song to him, and whenever I hear it, I think of Quincy and how much I love him. I know it's pathetic that I'm still obsessing over him, but I can't help it, I love him. There hasn't come a day when I haven't thought of him, and last night, the aching was too much to bear. I wasn't really mad at him, I was just disappointed. I just wanted him back.

I will forever refer to him as my sweetest downfall. As much as I wanted to move on with my life, I find that I couldn't. I had no idea why really, since during the 3 months we were together, he was only present for a month.

As I pick up the pieces of of my shattered heart, I couldn't help but wonder if he was a test of my character. I have always considered myself to be strong, but after Quincy, I was left bloodied, weak, and unstable. Prior to, during the, and after the break up, I was an interminable wreck. I couldn't focus on my studies and my stellar performance in my academics dropped. In fact I couldn't remember doing anything profound after the prelim period. I could only guess where my professors would get my midterm grade. I became physically and emotionally stressed, and I became sick. Very sick. I was drained. I was frightened of the intensity of my emotions, and I asked myself, was I as strong as I liked to believe? Was I as my mighty as my facade? It ruined me, broke me, to know that my exterior was a sham. My indifference, my nonchalance was just a cover. Inside, I was just as vulnerable as everybody else. And what hurts me the most is that not only did I lie to the world, but I lied to myself.

Weeks ago, I spoke with a guy and I spilled my grief. Although we ended bitterly, I must admit Jeff has taught me an important lesson. I am just human and there was nothing wrong with that. I was initially aloof because I was still under the illusion that I was Wonder Woman. But then now, after reflecting, I realized Jeff was right. I was just human.

As I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, I couldn't help but wonder if Quincy was a test of my character. I will forever refer to him as my sweetest downfall, but a downfall nonetheless. In spite of that, I will still respect him because he has taught me an invaluable lesson - being humble. I still see myself as Wonder Woman of course - fierce, headstrong, and capable of dishing it out like a real man. But beneath the sleek outfit and glossy hair, Wonder Woman is still a woman - delicate, fragile, and vulnerable.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

A Dime A Dozen

My on-again off-again relationship with Quincy has finally reached its climax - a definitive off. It was a whirlwind romance, something I did not wish to end, but it was just too broken to fix. The plot is too thick for me to narrate completely, but suffice to say that he did not show any more effort.

You can't blame me, I did my part, and more. I communicated with him, begged him to talk to me, but he was just too busy. Yes, it's true he is swamped with extracurriculars, but it's not as if I am asking him to drop them all for me - that would be selfish and just plain wrong. For a month I begged, but instead he ignored me. It came to the point where I kept leaving him. But I was too in love that I came back. Again. And again. And again.

You might be thinking, he probably have lost interest in me. That I could handle. I'm strong enough to know that he did not care for me anymore. I'm not that pathetic to hang around a guy who'd rather have me dead. But what irritates me is that he kept telling me he loves me, and he couldn't live without me. Call me a sap, but I bought it.

For a complete month I tried my best to reach out, but he shut me down. Finally, just last week, I was finally able to talk to him. He told me he would do anything just to fix this. I didn't buy any of it. I believed him for some time, but it wore off, like the color from cheap ass jeans. I ended it. For good. I did not get the closure I begged from him, but why wait for something that might never come? I was still in love with him - until now, actually, but he has hurt me enough.

I did not know what I did wrong. I did everything I could. I was selfless, I was honest, I was caring, I was faithful. I stepped out of my comfort zone, which is something I never did with guys. So why am I being treated like this? I think I still deserve to be treated like a queen, at least a human being.

Why is it that men are only there during the first few weeks? They treat you like royalty, and then suddenly - they're gone. It's so sad. If you don't tire of them, they tire of you. It's a vicious cycle. All relationships are bound to end. Why start it? I was struck with this thought. All men should be shot on sight.

On my way home from school, juggling my bag, my file case, my copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray, and my takeout from McDonalds, I realized that I probably walked away from one of the best guys I've ever dated. But it hit me. At least I walked away with my dignity and self-respect. Guys like these, smart, handsome, focused, good in bed, they are a dime a dozen, but my dignity, priceless.
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