Cynicism

J's G4M account is really driving me crazy. By far, I think this is the first entry where I comprehensively put my thoughts into writing (most entries were just outlines, or just stuff that I do). Talking to someone really helps, but all my friends live in the north, and well, I can't really talk to J about this - he might think I'm neurotic (well, I believe he'll be reading this later). Well, that stupid account is really driving my sanity away.

Well, he knew something was up, but I'd rather talk to the laptop about it than him. My two-tracked mind is just, well - driving me nuts. Yes, I should just get over that account - after all, it is just an account, but the fact is that it's freaking G4M. It's an account where you pick guys up. Why would he create an account there in the first place? I've been thinking about it - and, well - I can't think of any valid reason.

It just pushes me off the edge knowing that I can't hold him back, that I can control those guys messaging him for hook ups and shit just as much as I control the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.

There are really times when I get terribly insecure (stems from the past - I used to be fat and ugly - I now used to be svelte - and well, I'm not really gorgeous, but I've improved), and I keep torturing (J's term) myself, thinking the worst - what if J finds someone better than me?

Let's be realistic - I'm just human. Hey - people assume that I'm this heartless cynical ego-bloated asshole - and that's true - but I can't lie. There will always be people better than I am, and I accept that fact.

I have to admit, I'm a very vulnerable person. According to my shrink, I'm a vulnerable person hungry for love - but then when it comes my way, I drive it away with my cynicism.

Just a reality check. I'm having one of my mood swings, but don't you worry, later on, I'll be building my wall of defense - and back to that Koji everybody knows.

5 Arguments On The Existence Of God

I absolutely love St. Thomas Aquinas' (my school's founder) 5 Arguments on the Existence of God. I'm not a zealous Catholic, but still, I appreciate this doctrine that was taught to me last year in my Theology class. The stuff you'll read is written in the simplest of terms, but when read carefully, it makes perfect sense. It's true that I am a fan of ostentation, and opulence is my law, but there are times when simplicity has its air of chic. I believe in the saying that goes: in the simplicity of life can we find the most beautiful things.

1. Motion
- An object is caused by motion by some other object or force. An object cannot move itself and must require an non-moving mover. Therefore, there is a first mover existing before all movement.

2. Causality of Existence
- A thing cannot cause itself. There can be no infinite chain of cause and effect. Therefore, there is a first cause which is not caused by anything.

3. Contingency
- Things that exist now were dependent on certain conditions to exist. Therefore, there must a being who is not contingent, because if there was nothing then, there would be nothing now.

4. Gradation
- If an object has lesser degrees of one characteristic, therefore there must be something who has the maximum possible degree.

5. Design
- Only a conscious mind brings a being to its end or purpose. Therefore, there must be an intelligent mind who designs and governs those without minds such that they reach their ends or purpose.

Theory Of Bisexuality

Sigmund Freud's theory of bisexuality limits itself to birth. He says that we are all born bisexual, but during the early stages, we subconsciously decide whether we choose to lead the straight life or the gay life. He limits his bisexual theory to the earlier stages, but my theory is extended until death.

I believe that everyone is bisexual, but has been subconsciously repressed because we have been raised that it is wrong, and society dictates that heterosexuality is the norm. We have been conditioned to believe, by the media, even the church, that homosexuality is a crime, a SIN, and that it is to be avoided at all costs. And of course, monkey see, monkey do, we repress every homosexual tendency because we have been brainwashed by every reliable source that is a behavior that is considered not normal.

But first off, let us define homosexuality. It has been described, in laymen's terms, as a preference, both in the aspect of love and sex, to people of the same sex.

Sex is sex. We derive the same kind of sexual pleasure whether or not done with a man or a woman. Arousal lies on the nerves, and it can be stimulated by various things. The nerve does not choose what arouses it. On the subject of love, it is the same with sex. Love is an emotion that can be channeled to anyone we feel affection for. Do we choose who we love? We do not.

Society has been succesful in brainwashing us and instilling in our minds that homosexuality is wrong. But only if we are open to it, if we break free of society's ridiculous rules, and be more open-minded, then we would know that being with someone of the same sex is not that different.

What I Hate: If That Makes Me A Bitch, Fine.

These are just some things that I absolutely: hate, abhor, despise, detest, loathe, dislike, and resent when it comes to online networks, a place where gay men can get dates, fuck buddies, friends, or boyfriends. Examples of these sites include: Downelink, Fabuloush, Connexion, G4M, and DList.

1. Most of these sites require you to have a message before you can add guys, or in G4M's case, before you can contact them. What irritates me about this is that most guys usually only have a hello, or hi as a message. It is really irritating, because it's them who wants to talk to you, but you are obligated to formally begin the conversation.

2. "Can we be friends?" - this is usually the pick up line next to the generic hi or hello. That is an OUTRIGHT LIE. They click a picture in the Friends List not because the words I'M FRIENDLY is stamped onto the man's face. It's because they are attracted to that person. Why lie? If you wanna have sex with that person, just say it. The worse that the person could say is no.

3. In relation to #2, it also pisses me off that they ask if they could be friends with me, and I would say yes. I am very open hearted person, and I welcome anyone who wants to be friends with me. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, they ask if I'm top or bottom. If you do wanna be friends, and just friends, why ask my position when it comes to sex?

4. I've seen this in a bulletin, and I wholeheartedly agree. Most networking sites require photos and you have the option of posting captions with it. And it irks me the way guys would put, "Ugh, I'm fat." or "Aren't i ugly?". If that's what you really think of that picture, why would you post it in the first place? You're just fishing for compliments. Whenever a guy would tell me that, I'd be like, yeah, you do look fat. Don't force a compliment out of me because I WON'T.

5. Lying. Lying in the sense that you use other people's pictures or you basically lie about yourself. The problem is, what if the guy wants to meet you? And you're not the person in the picture? Yes, you might be thinking, I could always cancel, but what if you really like that person? You lie about your lie, and you continuously have to be dishonest until you are a pathetic chain of lies. And that makes you pathetic.

6. Yes, it's true that most men are horny, and SEBs (Sex Eyeball - where you meet for sex; hook ups), are natural in the gay community. But it's not right to generalize gay men. I find it rude that guys use "you have a place?" or "you top or bottom?" as their opening statements. I applaud them for their honesty, but they should have at least have the decency of asking first if I want sex. Because, I DON'T. Do I look like a whore? I know my worth, and if you want sex, get one of those dirty sluts in Quezon Ave.

I am not uptight. Ask my friends, or anyone who knows me for that matter, and ask me what my personality is. I am a very spontaneous fun loving devil may care person, but I know my worth, and I am not afraid to let everyone know that. I do not like liars. If you want me, go straight to the point. My time is precious, so don't you ever waste it!

If being a bitch means knowing what I want and never settling for anything less, then I'm proud to say I'm a bitch.

So Where Are We Headed?

This question absolutely ruins people who are seeing each other. I've known this fact for quite some time, and yet, I never learn. I just had to ask J this:

So where are we headed?

Apparently, this is not one of the questions you ask anyone, especially those who are afraid of commitments. And I just found out J was.

I suddenly felt the world crumbling around me, the foundation of my relationship with J slowly cracking beneath my feet, and I felt like I had nothing. All the progress I thought we made seemed so trivial. So insignificant. Unimportant.

The problem lies between the both us, and I am glad to take my share of the blame. My fault was, besides being stupid, is rushing. Obviously, asking that question to a guy you just met shouts, when are you going to be my boyfriend, and it's sort of scary. A normal guy (and J is sweet enough not be a nasty pervert like all the other men) does not rush, and asking the questions speeds the process to a scary vroooom.

On J's part, I think his fear of commitment stems from a bad past (well he was implying, correct me if I'm wrong), and I think it's really unfair that he should let his past affect his present and future as well.

Anyway, I was feeling terrible about it, and J knew. I'm not the type of person who bottles his emotions and thoughts, and he had an earful, well we were in YM, and I have no idea what you call that, letterful? Anyway, he had a letterful of what I had to say, and he did a wonderful job of making me feel better.

And the next thing I knew, I was a happy pill.

I don't know if I have bi-polar personality disorder or what, but what I know is, I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex & The City while writing this entry. Lol.

The Miseducation Of Bisexuality

You must know I've been bored. So to pass time, I've been going through profiles in DowneLink (an online gay community similar to friendster). To tour DowneLink or to create an account, Click Here.

Anyway, it really irritated me to see that most of the Filipino guys there refuses to accept the fact that they're gay, calling themselves BISEXUAL instead. Bisexualism is the newest trend here in the metro, and sadly, it's a pathetic misnomer.

Bisexuality is an old term, probably coined by Freud (I forget), which refers to a preference to both the male and female gender. Yes, it's true that there are REAL bisexual men here in the Philippines, but most of the so-called "bi" here are really gay.

The bisexuals here are under the stupid belief that bisexuality depends on the discretion. In simple terms, they think you're bisexual if you're discreet, even if you're only attracted to people of the same sex. Now that is just STUPID.

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're instantly effeminate. Being gay means you're only attracted to guys. You're not bi because you're macho. Grow up.

Goodness, I need to fill up my weekdays as well.