Love as a balisong.

Last night, I was supposed to have dinner with Daniel, but I cancelled because I got really upset [my temper is legendary]. So instead of going to Megamall for dinner, I went straight to Malate to drop by Bed for the anniversary of my friend's clan. By the way, congratulations to the Bacardi family, you guys threw a great party. JR, thank you for getting me and my friends [bff Arvin, Viktor, and Archie] in.

Last night I have made the realization that the club scene is not my thing anymore. I don't really know what happened. I used to be that major party boy, attending the chicest parties and wondering when the next one will be. My statement used to be WHERE'S THE PARTY, STELLA MCCARTNEY, but now, I don't know. I just wasn't feeling it anymore. Last night, what I wanted more than the tall guy I asked a light from was to go to a bar, an actual bar, and not a club, where you sit and have drinks with friends. But I must admit I still enjoyed the night, except for the part when Viktor insisted we go down and dance.

Yeah, for a few minutes I danced, but I absolutely hate dancing in crowded places. It's hard to move, it's unbelievably hot, and the thought of ugly and sweaty strangers getting TOO close makes me cringe to high heavens. I eventually left the trio and went upstairs. There I stayed by the bar and enjoyed a cigarette and a margarita.

An event of HUGE significance happened. I ran into J. I was seated upstairs, smoking with Arvin when somebody tapped me. I didn't recognize him at first because he gained weight, but yeah, it was him, and I must admit, I really missed him. I actually read some of my older entries here, and it made me miss him more. I was disappointed he is committed now. Honestly, he is the only guy I regretted letting go, but I've made my mistake and I've paid the price.

Around 3, after meeting a couple of people which included a writer from the Inquirer and a cute guy who offered a cigarette, I insisted we go home. The scene was too much for me to bear, I was extremely bored, and I really wanted to leave.

After the cab dropped me and my friends [Viktor and Archie] off in our village, I walked home. While on that 20-minute walk, I contemplated about a lot of things. I thought about J, and for some reason, I thought about Paolo. I have come to the conclusion that love is best described as a balisong. Getting stabbed with it is agonizing, if not overwhelming, but getting it out is twice as painful. And even when the balisong has been taken out of your system, it still hurts. Very bad.

Just as my temper is legendary, so is my imagination. I started having thoughts about what would happen if Paolo actually was my boyfriend and he came with us. I know this is pathetic, but I came up with this faux blog entry. Let me reiterate that the following is purely fiction, okay? The following never took place.

Paolo was quiet during the cab ride home. I wanted to talk to him but I don't think it would be ethical if we talk about our problem inside the cab with my friends, so I just leaned on his shoulder while he looked out the window.

When we were dropped off, Paolo and I opted to walk home. On that 20-minute walk, Paolo finally opened up. He said he was jealous of J. He got upset because when we were in Bed, J and I were being too close for comfort. I told Paolo that he shouldn't be jealous because he is the one I love.

Paolo: I got upset because you weren't talking to me. You were flirting with J the whole night.

Me: Paolo, don't be silly. You know I was thinking of you the whole time. I kept asking you if you were all right. I kept asking if you wanted more drinks, or more cigarettes. I even offered to go outside and buy you a pack. The whole night I was doing my best to make sure you were having fun.

Despite the occasional car that would pass, Paolo holds my hand.

Paolo: Koji.

I look at him.

Paolo: I love you.

Me: I love you too.

When we got home, we had a long shower, made sweet love, cuddled, and fell asleep in each others arms.

But I knew that this was at best, a dream of a hopeless romantic. Instead of the hand holding, the romantic shower and the love-making, I found myself listening to my iPod and solving Sudoku puzzles. A part of it came true though. I fell asleep.

I know. I'm miserable.

Bff Arvin, power lunches. I'm so tired of the club scene. It's so blasé.

Of Babies And Red Horses

It's really hard to put a period on things. It's difficult because everything is circumstantial, and you never know when certain events will change things. You cannot say forever. As the old adage goes, never say never.

Last night, I invited my friend Carlos to come over and have a couple of drinks. When he left, I quickly went back to the computer which I left on to advertise the latest entry in my blog. A very good friend of mine buzzed me on YM and she confided she might be pregnant. I was worried of course. She's a young girl, studying, and she is at that stage where she is trying to fix her life. She said she wasn't sure, because she hasn't taken the test yet - but the signs were there. She said that if she were pregnant, she'd have to resort to abortion. She told me it wasn't as if she had any choice. Both she and her partner are still studying, and the obligation of keeping a baby would be too great for the both of them to handle.

For a person who is passionately against abortion, I was surprised I was not mad. My belief is, it is incredibly unfair for the unborn baby to pay the price for the irresponsibility of both parents, but last night, chatting with her, I could only sympathize. It's really different when things happen to you, or to people you know personally. You start to look at things from a different perspective.

I'm still pretty much against abortion, but if my friend really needs to do this, she knows I will be there to support her decision. The period regarding abortion remains a period, but I've inserted a clause.

The futility of trying to wake up from a sorta fairytale

Putangina. I am drunk as fuck. I just got home (quite literally) from Paolo's house where my friends and I went to

These were the words I wrote before dozing off this morning. I didn't finish writing the entry because the keys were suddenly swirling into an indecipherable vortex. As you can tell, I spent the day drinking. Again.

Yesterday was one of one of those days when I felt extremely ugly. I can't really rationalize this silly notion, but it was just one of those times when whatever you do still makes you look like crap. Usually it takes me half an hour to shower, dress, fix my hair, and shove everything I need in my bag, but yesterday it took me an hour just to pick my ensemble for the day (6 shirt changes and 2 changes of jeans), and a half hour just to fix my hair. I wanted to wear this vintage-inspired yellow shirt (I was inspired to go yellow by Pie last Sunday) with my black pants, non-descript sneakers from Hong Kong, and vintage aviator sunglasses to pull off a glam rock look, but it didn't go well so I ended up wearing this red and white striped shirt from American Eagle (Thank you Sophie, I am so loving American Eagle now, I wish they have authentic AE shirts here) and my corduroy pants from Folded and Hung.

I rushed out of the house to pick up an I'M SORRY cake from Red Ribbon to give to Trina, our friend who walked out on us last Thursday when we forgot she set this little get together for her birthday. After going to school to surprise Trina with it, Paolo, Gogo, JM, Bob, and I went to SM to walk around. Gogo actually wanted to eat Japanese, but we all decided to go to Paolo's house instead and chill there. We got there around 1, where the guys played the guitar and drums while I sat and watched, stunned by JM's drumming abilities.

There was a time that day when I thought I stopped liking Paolo. I don't know what happened, but it did. The lyrics from the song BALISONG, which Gogo played in his car struck me: I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end. Sometime yesterday, I proverbially woke up from a fairytale that was sure not to happen. But just as fast as my feelings for him disappeared, it came flooding back when Paolo and I drove over to a store to get more beer. I guess it came back when I realized Paolo treats me differently compared to other people. I can't concretely describe how different he treats me from other people. He treats me like one of the guys, but with more affection. It's not exactly the sweet kind of affection he shows for Pie, but he's more caring with me than with our other male friends. I find it also adorable how sometimes he talks to me in English, knowing I speak Filipino fluently.

Around 4 we were joined by Carlo and Julius, and we started drinking. Carlo actually brought a bottle of brandy, but it was way too strong and we settled for the classic Red Horse. We finished at midnight, and after Paolo gave me a hug and a chaste kiss on the neck (it's something we've been regularly doing when we part ways. He kissed me on the neck because I'm much taller than him), we went home.

Today, while enjoying my hangover, I thought about my relationship with Paolo. I've partially woken up from the fairytale I've weaved around Paolo and me, but I still like him a lot. I'm still extremely jealous of Pie, yet I know I must go on and try to ignore the balisong that is pierced through my heart. Despite my helplessness, I find myself happy because I know I'm lucky. I'm fortunate that we are very good friends and we have invested a certain degree of trust in each other. He may not be my partner, but our relationship is just as special, if not more. I'm happy that even though he is not mine, I have been given a chance to know him personally. Ultimately, I'm happy that even for a brief moment, my feelings for him were once requited.

I should be so lucky in love

Lately I've been thinking about why I'm still single. The last serious relationship I had was many months ago with Quincy, and until now, I'm single. First, let me assure you that I've finally gotten over him. It wasn't easy, and it took me quite some time, but I have finally realized that it was just one of those things I shouldn't obsess about.

I've been told time and again that I have high standards. Too high, many say. I've considered this to be one of the reasons why I am perpetually single, but what's wrong with having high standards? What is wrong with wanting the best? I know what I want. In fact, I don't think there's anything unattainable in the list of qualities I want in a man. All I am asking for is someone who is decent, smart, intelligent, witty, and with a sense of humor. Is that asking a lot? I don't think so.

A lot of guys have appeared in my life after Quincy, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. But no matter how goodlooking they are, no matter how rich, or how great their personalities are, I cannot bring myself to reciprocate their feelings towards me. I do not know why, but I just can't. I guess I have yet to meet the guy who would take my breath away and sweep me off my feet. But I am glad to say that the future is bright with me and Timothy. I really like him.

I know I've been single for so long, but I don't really mind. I just think to myself that if not settling for less makes me a bitch, an asshole, or worse, eternally single, then let it be. I may end up waiting forever for my Prince Charming, but I don't care.

Because when he comes, I know he is exactly what I wanted.

Lighting A Cigarette From The Wrong End Of The Lighter

My friends and I were at Paolo's again last night. There we drank and drank until a lot of us got wasted. No wait, that was only me. And Bob also! I remember him sleeping on the couch while the rest of the guys were playing the guitar.

We were over at Paolo's to celebrate the end of the semester. Who came? Hmm. Of course Paolo, and Bob, Gogo, Pie (Paolo's girl), Miko, Jam (So far yet so near, Jam Fournier), Angelo (Ang baso ay itaas, Angelo Cablitas), JM (Walang katapat, JM Patapat), Mara, Chermann, and of course, me.

Mara, Chermann, Pie, and Miko left early so I was left with the boys, but I must admit, they're really wonderful. We were able to talk about guy stuff and it was great. While talking to the guys, I made this realization. You know you're irrevocably drunk when you forcibly light a cigarette using the wrong end of the lighter.

I was finally able to talk to Paolo about what's been bothering me. I must say, alcohol really does bridge people. The conversation was pretty light, I asked him why he liked me, and he told me it was because I was handsome. He was about to say something else but Gogo interrupted us with a drink which I graciously accepted. What can I say? I love to drink. After I did my shot, I asked him what stopped him from courting me. He then told me it was because of his promise to Pie that he would wait.

Let me say that I have nothing against Pie. She's pretty, she's great, she's a good friend. I have no right to get mad at her because Paolo chose her. And besides, she's so nice I can't get upset. As I've said, Pie is a great friend. But yeah, I am jealous. I remember saying things I wasn't supposed to say, like how jealous I am of Pie and stuff like that.

I ended up dozing off on Paolo's shoulder while he played with my hair. I asked him to sing me a song, and he sang Crazy For You. It was of course dedicated to Pie, but it was a Madonna song. Good enough.

Around midnight, we all went home. Gogo even gave me a ride. Great guy. Thank you Gogo! I went straight to bed, and now, it's 8 in the morning and I'm still wearing the clothes I wore last night. Wow. I'm hung over like hell, so do forgive me if my writing is messed up. Gonna shower then sleep again. I'm in no state to attend the meeting for the publication this afternoon.

It's finally the sem break! Awesome! Monday, we'll all meet up again to drink (this time with more people) then have a swim in Cavite for Mara's birthday.

The Emaciation Of Nicole Richie

I just absolutely love how this uber-chic girl reminds me of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's. I cannot help but cream all over my Versace jeans as I browse through her gorgeous photos in Google. I honestly believe she is oh-so-glamorous Paris has nothing on her. Paris may be more pervasive, but I am COLD AND BITCHY, NICOLE RICHIE all the way. Nicole may be an underdog to Paris then, but now that the two have split and Nicole's weight dramatically dropped, Nicole is shining like a Neil Lane bauble. I love how she oozes sophistication, class, breeding, unlike Paris who is just plain tacky.





Here are some of her looks which I think are positively divine:







At a party where Nicole supposedly passed out after doing cocaine. Allegedly, she had two nosebleeds and was jabbering the whole night that her boyfriend would leave her because she was throwing her life away.

I love love love the dress, the hair, the bag, and the body. Yeah, I was very shocked at the sudden weight loss, but she looks so chic. She makes coke-snorting look stylish.












Nicole Richie with husband Joel Madden in court for her DUI trial, where she was sentenced by the L.A. County Superior Courtroom commissioner to serve four days in jail. Even when she is about to face time, she looks sleek and polished in her LBD, paired with lovely shoes which I believe are Christian Loboutin.















Her at the GAP, enjoying what looks like a White Chocolate Dream Ice Blended from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (I should know, I love the coffee!), looking mega chic in short shorts and a print top and aviator sunglasses that scream style. She looks like a junkie, but a mind-blowing junkie at that.













Nicole Richie looking like she's ready to serve time, but still she looks great. Kind of like Gwen Stefani's style in L.A.M.B. Nicole looks rock chic with a striped sweater, skinny jeans, and a Chanel bag.














With husband Joel Madden looking incredible in a white top, a lovely blue scarf around her head, and a Goyard tote. As usual, she is stunning.














Nicole Richie spotted after shopping in Christian Dior. Oh my gosh, I am so creaming, her style and beauty is sublime. Sublime, sublime, sublime, sublime.















Looking druggie chic (and kind of like Mischa Barton) while walking. I am so loving the way she is dressed here, where she exudes mega-glam while also looking unkempt and casual. I so want to pull this look off, but I just can't.














A picture of her shopping. I've noticed her affinity for the Balenciaga Lariat. She has one in lime green (as shown), white, and navy blue.














I have to say that Nicole Richie is one of my style icons. She has the grace, sophistication and elegance of Audrey Hepburn, but also the spunk of a rock star. Her style is obviously influenced by rock glam and bohemian, thanks to her former stylist/friend Rachel Zoe. Her staples seem to be: aviator sunglasses and huge jewelry. I admire her style because not only can she make everything look chic, she looks chic in everything.

Make Me Undress, Joyce Jimenez

I still can't stop thinking about Paolo. I don't even know why I'm thinking about him, but I can't get him out of my head. I know there isn't even a problem because what he felt was a thing of the past, but I can't help but be burdened with the weight of this "problem". We actually had a field trip for our NSTP class today but I didn't go because I couldn't bear facing him.

Yesterday I went to Shangrila to meet up with a date. I dropped by the Store For All Seasons to check out their shirts and hopefully get one before meeting Tim. The Store For All Seasons is a consignment boutique along Shaw Boulevard that sells gorgeous clothes that are oh-so-unique. One of their labels is Proudrace, a local version of House of Holland. Their staples are statement shirts i.e. LET'S GET IT ON, IVARLUSKI ASERON; JUST DANCE, DON'T VOGUE, KYLIE MINOGUE; and COLD AND BITCHY, NICOLE RICHIE.

I was annoyed because I got lost while looking for the Store For All Seasons. I wasn't really familiar with the topography of Shaw Boulevard so I spent half an hour walking along the wrong street. I couldn't really blame Arvin, he gave the right directions, it was me who was in the wrong. When I finally got on the right street (the peanut vendor assisted me), I got really exasperated because Arvin told me it was very near Starmall. It was not. From there I spent almost another half-hour looking for the boutiqe. Just when I was about to hail a cab and meet Tim (at this point, I was a sweaty Betty), I saw it at last. There I bought MAKE ME UNDRESS, JOYCE JIMENEZ. I absolutely loved it.

So when I changed shirts (I wore the JOYCE shirt) I walked back to Shangrila Mall (It was traffic) and met Tim. Timothy is a 21 year old Journalism teacher in an exclusive school somewhere in Pasig. We met at Starbucks and had coffee and talked. Timothy is absolutely charming. Very talkative, lively, and interesting. He kind of reminded of Mickey from Pinoy Big Brother. I found it very fascinating how he used the word ANXIOUS in a sentence. Usually, I only encounter that word in a book and not in a regular conversation.

So after grabbing a cigarette (I know, I know) and talking some more, we decided to part ways. I managed to get home safe, and hark the herald angels sing, I didn't think of Paolo the entire night. Instead, I thought of rhymes for future shirts I'll have custom-made. Okay, I admit, I first brainstormed for a Paolo shirt and I thought of this: YOU MAKE ME SO SILLY, PAOLO MANALILI. What do you think? Some of my other concepts are: WHAT'S THE PLAN,KOJIMAN; and KISS MY BAZOOKA, KOJI IIZUKA. Isn't it cute?

I am so going crazy over statement shirts. From the words of the future great director Shinji Manlangit: ALAVET!!!!!

A phrase from Dido's song HERE WITH ME: I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here, and I don't want to move a thing, it might change my memory. Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't hide, I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me. I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me.

Sino ba ang hinahanap mo, andito lang naman ako. Mahal kita, ikaw lang at wala ng iba.

Yesterday my friends and I went to Alabang to throw a surprise party for our friend's birthday. Throwing that party was especially hard because certain situations with the girl he's dating is affecting his temperament. Trouble is, the girl that he's dating is also in our circle. Yet, in spite of the paramount trouble we were faced with, I put a lot of effort into it (I did most of the planning) and managed to pull off the impossible. I must admit, one of the reasons why I really wanted to surprise him was because he is someone I've been crushing on since the first day of class. Actually, he is my closest guy (straight) friend in Perpetual.

Everything went well. He and his girl were smooth sailing; all my good friends were there, especially Miko who rarely hangs out with us after class (I love you, Miko!! :D); and of course, there was booze. So while we were doing shots and gossiping, there came a point where everyone started confessing things. I was already high as a kite, and this boy, the boy I have feelings for, suddenly confessed how he had feelings for me that was beyond platonic! He admitted that once in a while he had thoughts about courting me and being my partner. His exact words were: minsan iniisip ko gusto kong boyfriend-in si Koji. I was shocked. No, I was overwhelmed. By the way, let me make it clear that he does not feel this anymore, and that he is madly in love with his girl.

Of course I was flattered. Boy, was I. Imagine crushing on a straight guy and he tells you flat out he wants you to be his boyfriend. Yes, this guy is straight. Trust me, I can attest to his heterosexuality.

Though I was tickled pink, I was embarrassed. I couldn't look him in the eye, and I couldn't talk to him. For some reason, I was also mad. Of course a part of it stemmed from jealousy. The girl actually wants to stop seeing him but the poor boy is obsessed.

I just wish he didn't tell me that. I think it would have been better off for me not knowing he felt that way. It's pathetic, but now a part of me is hoping that those feelings would return and he would one day look at me and take my breath away. I know I'm not supposed to because he's in love with the girl, but I can't help myself from feeling what I'm feeling now.