Where do you go after getting your heart broken? How do you regain your footing in life and act as if nothing happened, even though you're completely shattered inside? I know I'm getting mushy, but after the horrific mess with R, I just want to blow off some steam. And for me, the best way to blow off steam is to write about it.
I met R a few weeks ago through bff Arvin. I must admit I was intially intimidated by him, but we got to talk, and yeah, I was attracted to him both physically and intellectually. I must say, R is a pretty goodlooking, intelligent and smart man. I know. So my type. I was hit, and I was hit fast. In a way, R reminded me of Quincy, which I liked. Not in the sense that R is a lot like Quincy, but because both are ambitious, driven, and witty.
I first got to meet R three weeks ago in Embassy [he goes to Emba a lot]. That night, I also got to meet bff Arvin's friends from school, and I loved every single one of them. Before that night, R and I were getting pretty close. He texts me a lot [and I mean A LOT], he calls me frequently, and we were slowly getting intimate. That night, we weren't able to talk that much because we ran into each other when the fashion flock [Arvin and the gang; they're taking Fashion Design in CSB] and I were about to leave. Our conversation was short, but it sparked something.
After Emba, bff Arvin and I went to 711 in Taft to pig out on chips and soda. R and I were texting, and he even called me, and you can tell that something different is going on already. During the first few weeks, I was already into him, and it drove me crazy thinking whether or not he was into me too. Yeah, you could argue that he wouldn't spend so much time, and phone credit for that matter, if he didn't like me to a certain extent. But after meeting on that fateful night in Emba, he admitted he liked me too and thus begun our mutual understanding.
He became sweet, and his messages and calls became more frequent. I couldn't say I was in love with him [that would be silly], but I liked him a lot. So naturally, I asked him out so we could get to know more of each other, but he couldn't because he had a shoot to finish for his project. The following week, he was in Zambales, so I didn't see him when I went to Emba with the fashion flock. But we were texting a lot while I was dancing my heart out that night. The following day, I went to Mall Of Asia with my friends to watch our friends gig, and we were still texting.
Last Saturday, I went to Emba, but this time it was just me and Arvin. We did run into Fatz, one of the fashion flock, but it was just the bffs that night. R was also there, and that night served as our first date. He came over our table and joined us for a while, but bff Arvin and I wanted to go to McDonalds for another pig-out session, and R had to return to his friends.
[I just want to segue: Cablits, you do not go to the Fort just to eat cheeseburgers! Kidding! Was great running into you there and then in Alabang the following day :p]
After binging on burgers, fries, nuggets and soda [we each had our own set, I know, it's gross], we returned, giddy with carbs and oil, only to find out that R was high as a kite. He probably got it from his friends, but he was on E and he was a jetplane cruising the night sky of the Fort.
I didn't approve of him taking E because I already did that and it was not good. Yeah, the feeling was fantastic and nothing could compare to a trip to La La Land, but it did have bad effects, and the last time I dropped, I lost my phone. Despite my disapproval, I felt happy because he joined us and spent the rest of the night with us instead of his friends. I was feeling tense because he was standing so close. It was funny [and kilig-worthy] to think that there was so much space where we were standing, yet he was so close to me that we were practically rubbing ourselves against each other. I would have enjoyed the night more, but my feet were killing me because of the tiring day I had before going to Emba. It was our finals exam in Arts App. and we had to make a production. I was in charge of the fashion show and I had to teach the models to walk down the makeshift runway in the school ampitheater. It was not an easy task considering the steps were too big, even for my long legs [I'm tall]. So while trying to make sure my hair was in place and poising myself beside R, I was secretly hoping my legs wouldn't give way.
The following day, I was pretty depressed. R has been working me up, and working me up good. I was ecstatic when he texted me saying he was happy because he was with me, but his night life has been bothering me. I honestly did not mind that he goes out everyday. I did not feel bad that he was out on the town on a daily basis because he texts me, and he calls me a lot. I did not feel jealous or paranoid, because I knew he was with his friends. And besides, to a certain extent, I trust him. What killed me was that he could afford to go out everyday with his friends, but he did not have time to go out with me. Yes, I knew that it was easier to go out with his friends because they were his classmates and they lived near, but would it be hard to spare some time for me too? I talked to him about this, and it broke my heart when he told me I was demanding. Is asking for a night a week, maybe one night every two weeks demanding? I also understood that he was graduating and the pressure is as high as Amy Winehouse's addiction, but come on, he could go out everyday and come home at 2 in the morning. I did not ask him to stop seeing his friends because that is not right. What I was just asking is if he could make some time for me too.
Then he confessed. He told me he had issues with his sexuality which prevented him from going out with guys. I understand his situation that he is in the closet, but how far he is hiding surprises me. He opened up about how his previous dates went: drive-throughs, road trips to Tagaytay, and the best [the worst, rather]: how he would leave the guy if he sees a friend of his in the mall.
It breaks my heart how selfish, paranoid, immature, and egocentric he is. But surprisingly, I did not get angry. I am at that point where I'm so into him that I don't care what he's like. It just broke my heart that I was hearing what I was hearing. What hurt me the most was how unfair he was. He expected me to understand him, yet he refused to understand me. I felt sad because he was not who I expected him to be. I was not turned off. Yes, I was disappointed, but I like him nonetheless. I sent him a message yesterday, while I was dressing up so I could meet Kathy in Alabang.
"I don't like your attitude, but I like you a lot. And because I do, I will accept you for who you are."
But it makes me think. Could I stand this? Could I tolerate this kind of behavior? I like him, but how far would liking him go? He said that he did not have time because of the pressure of his impending graduation and he said it won't be like this for long. But he also said that he's not comfortable being seen in public with a guy. I don't understand him. He does not make any sense. But because I like him so much, I learned to swallow my pride and cover the mouthpiece of the phone while I forced my tears to stop falling. I don't understand, but I'll force myself to.
I like him, but I think I have to end this. He's obviously not ready. But if he can change his ways, great. If not, then [I can't think of any word I could use, sorry].
While having lunch, I wondered: where do you after getting your heart broken? And then I realized, you don't. You just get on with your life. You don't supress your broken heart, because you can't. The least you can do is regain control and not let your failed relationship ruin everything else. I've had my heart broken several times and I've learned my lesson. A bad break-up may lead to good economy, but only if you choose to. Life is a cycle of causes and effects. Everything has a choice.