I swear, I won't bite your head off.

There's probably a reason why most [if not all] your past relationships didn't work. It's probably because they were unconsciously preparing you for this. For the relationship that you know will last forever.

Now, I'm not saying I'm in love. I've caused quite a stir with my previous entry and I would like to clear it by saying that no, I am not in love. I just made a few realizations.

I learned. I realized that the worst boyfriends are the best teachers because they teach you not to make the same mistake twice [oftentimes thrice for those extremely hardheaded people like myself]. Not only do they teach you to avoid men like them, they also teach you to grow and become a better person.

I love my shitty ex-boyfriends. Those that sucked my dignity, my pride, and my sanity deserve my gratitude because if not for them, this wouldn't be right. This wouldn't work. It came with a price which come to think of it, was worth it. I wouldn't have become the fine upstanding man that I am today without the help of boyfriends from hell. And besides, most bad boyfriends give great sex. A person can't be all bad, right?

So maybe they weren't that bad.

Rejecting the fountain of youth for just one day and chasing it right after.

Yesterday was Reniel's birthday so we went out and had breakfast in Mall Of Asia. So while we were enjoying our low-fat cheesecakes in Cheesecake Cafe, a thought suddenly crossed my mind.

Why do people like celebrating birthdays, often throwing extravagant parties, and ending up complaining about getting older? It just doesn't follow.

I, on the other hand, do not regret throwing party upon party when I'm one year older. And I am not ashamed to say I'm already 12. Okay, fine. 19. Yes, I'm 19.

When being too smart becomes bad.

I think people are too smart. We should be simple, like dogs. Even if you leave them by themselves in the living room all night, the next day, they'll still jump up and down and lick your face when they see you. That's unconditional love. We could learn a lot from dogs. No, that's not stupidity on their part.

We're just too smart for our own good.

I'll give you the best blowjob you'll ever have.

I'm currently learning how to mix drinks. Like what I said in my latest tag entry [http://madonnarrific.multiply.com/journal/item/210], what better way to bond with friends than home made margaritas and cheap hors d'oeuvres at 4 in the morning. Never mind the Boy Bawang and the Chippy, as long as you're sipping 200 peso drinks, you know you can never go wrong.

I've downloaded recipes and tried to learn as much as I could about mixing drinks, and I'm excited. I'm planning to buy bottles of tequila and vodka next week so I could start. I'm starting with margaritas, tequila sunrises, cosmopolitans, blowjobs, and sex on the beach.

I won't charge my friends of course. Loved ones can get the drinks on the house. So come, let's drink :] I'll give you the best blowjob you'll ever have.

Distant echoes from another time start to creep in my head

I feel pretty Hollywood-ish when I say R and I separated because of irreconcilable differences. I know I'm living in the Philippines and not in Hollywoodland, but no matter how you look at it, R and I really did separate because of irreconcilable differences.

A lot of people were surprised when news broke out that we were over. In fact, I was surprised too. Yes, it is true that this is not our first time to call it quits, but we usually got back together the following day, if not after a few hours. But this is different. This is for real. Like I said, we separated because we couldn't reconcile. Come to think of it, I never fully understood the term irreconcilable until now.

I wouldn't want to get into the sordid details because I do not want people to think less of R. Yes, he may be selfish at times, but all in all, he's a good person. I must admit I didn't give him the credit he deserved.

To a certain extent, yes, he was right when he said I was demanding. And I am sorry for that. No, you needn't apologize to even the score because it's my mistake. I shouldn't have expected so much. Maybe I shouldn't have expected anything from you at all.

I close my eyes and will mortality to surround me.

Sometimes I wonder: why am I still alive? I believe mortality is everywhere and yet it's weird I'm still here, living, breathing, and committing the same mistakes over and over again.

From a spiritual perspective, I believe I am still alive because I have a purpose. I have a mission to fulfill, and I haven't carried it out yet. But what is that purpose? Why am I still here?

I'm tired. I'm tired of living. Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't I played the role of emotional plaything one too many times? I'm tired of hoping, of waiting, of expecting, and ending up disappointed. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

In the room I am staying at now [my mom's], there are at least 12 things here that could kill me. One of those things should just smite me. One of those 12++ things should smite me and beat my worthless body to a bloody and unrecognizable pulp. If some supernatural force won't lift the lamp and slam it down my head, maybe I should just do it myself.

Goodbye is the worst word in the world.

Let the earth open up and swallow me whole because I want to die. I can't believe how unfair some people can be, letting simple things stand in the way of something great.